Saturday, January 14, 2012

New makeup and a funeral

This morning I treated myself to... makeup.

New concealer, foundation, eyeliner, shadow, lipstick!!

Do you know how long it's been since I splurged on more than one item at a time? 

My mom gave me some birthday money, and I blew it all!!!

What brought on this sudden desire for all new makeup?

Will you think I'm awful? Shallow? Have my priorities out of whack?

Well I promised to be really real. 

I bought all new makeup because I had a funeral to attend. 

And for some reason, that I can't even explain to myself, I wanted to look fresh, and lovely, and not as sad as I felt. 

My friend from high school died on Sunday. From uterine cancer. And somehow I think I wanted to look younger, and better than I feel.

I wanted cancer to know it would not be allowed to follow me home. Somehow in her death, I desperately wanted to feel more alive. 

I did wonder how well thought out it was as I sat with another friend from high school, and cried. Was my makeup running? Was I being shallow for caring that my makeup might be running down my face? What does it say about me that I was worried about my makeup running when someone's life was over? 

It meant that I am still alive. That part of being a living, breathing person is that I still care about little things, even if I'm not proud of it. It means that knowing how precious life is, and feeling sorrow for her family, does not change that I have quirks and idiosyncrasies which are a part of who I am. It's what makes all of us human, the fact that we are not perfect. 

I think Dorie would forgive me for thinking of my makeup right then. She liked looking pretty, she always did her hair in fun and interesting ways. And it didn't change that I am sorry she is gone, that her life was too short, and that her death leaves a empty spot in her family. 

The nice part of the day was that I drove to and from the funeral with one of my best friend's from high school. We laughed, a lot, and caught up with each other. We ate pizza afterwards at Mod Pizza. Super yummy, and I loved getting asked how my pizza with no cheese was. The guy made a special visit to our table to ask because in his own words, "I've never had a pizza without cheese before. " I also had two cupcakes from the funeral. They were so good that I felt guilty eating them. It seemed almost as bad to enjoy the cupcakes as it did to be happy with how my makeup turned out. 

When dropping my friend off at home, I desperately had to use the potty. And since I was already in her house, I promptly plopped myself on her couch and talked to her and her husband (who also went to high school with us) for 2 hours. 

We laughed some more, talked about our friend and just kind of basked in the glow of a friendship that goes back 25 years. 

I'm utterly exhausted. So much emotion, guilt from buying makeup for a funeral, and wonderful laughter will wear a person out. 

And though I may love me some new makeup, it was not lost on me that I got to come home to my family. That my arms are still strong enough to pick up my children, and that even on my worst pain days, I am still here for them. 

But I also know, that if I was gone tomorrow, my family would be forever. This life is not the end. And I take enormous comfort in that. It means I don't have to be afraid. And it means that they're stuck with me for always. 

My only concern about life after death: I hope there is some sort of makeup in heaven. Or at least I hope I have a really lovely, golden, Heavenly glow for all eternity:)


  1. My understanding is that we will glow with a beautiful light from within. I think you will be beautiful!

  2. I know that Dorie would be happy knowing you wore new make up to celebrate her life. I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

    In fact, the morning of my husband's funeral was spent curling my hair and making sure I looked more beautiful than I ever really did when he was alive. And I did it for him--I wanted to look good for him that one last time. I know that he'll have appreciated that.

    I'm glad you and J were able to make the funeral.

    Love you! xx

  3. Girl, your glow will be so bright I wont be able to see :-)

  4. Happy birthday my dear friend. I hope you had a wonderful day. It's true, too much death too close to home lately. Funerals are always sad, but always gather those we love. Strange that way. Love and miss you the most! Oh, and BTW, it's YOUR birthday money - no one elses, spend it on what you want!


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