Oh, how time will fly.

Kate and Julia are gone. They left yesterday to go to Long Beach, Wa with their cousins. (you have to love the ocean to understand the concept of going in the winter) They will be back tomorrow. But I miss them terribly. I know the time will be short that they are away from me. But you have to understand, they are MY girls. No matter what life brings, no matter who life brings to them, they will always be MY girls.

As we got them packed yesterday, I felt this huge awareness come upon me of how short a time I really have them with me. It will feel like no time has passed before I am helping them pack for college. It will feel like no time before I walk by their room and stand in the doorway just to feel close to them again. Before I sit on their beds and smell their pillows. Before I have to pace myself from calling them everyday to see how they are doing.

And just when I have adjusted to Kate and Julia being gone, possibly being married, it will be Charlie and then Anne Marie's turn. And I will miss the way that Charlie will randomly sing in an opera voice, or the deep bellied giggle that Anne Marie lets out from time to time.

I can't even bear to contemplate Henry and Nora leaving, I just got them.

Everyone tells you how your life will change when you have a baby. Not many people mention that it's actually you that changes. That if you don't let parenthood change you, then you are missing out on the greatest opportunity for growth of your entire lifetime.

I don't want to lose my memories of my children, my life with them. I want to keep it all recorded in my mind, forever. Every little bit of it. My grandmother passed away from dementia related, stuff. I remember the first time I saw her after she really started to forget. She had to be told who I was. I hid my tears and just told her I loved her. Her short term memories were gone for the most part. But she could remember things from long ago. We (my mother and brother and sister and aunt and I) know that dementia kind of runs in the family. So everytime I forget something, I panic a little. But after seeing that many of my grandma's older memories were there, I hope that the Lord will be merciful to me and let me remember a few things. Like my wedding day, and everything since then. It doesn't feel like I'm asking too much.

So I will await the arrival of my two oldest. This will not be the last time I will wait excitedly to see them. When they get off the plane to come home for Christmas. When they arrive from wherever they served their missions. When they walk out of the Bride's room at the Temple, all in white. When we rush to the hospital to see them with their new babies. When I hang on just a little longer so that all of my children can be there.

Really, I feel spoiled. Should one person possibly be allowed to feel this much joy? And why does so much joy make you cry? And why do my tears not taste salty? (sorry, but is it weird that they DON'T taste salty?) And will I ever not miss them when they leave?

I'm pretty sure that's the only curse of motherhood, having to watch time fly, and not being able to do a thing about it.