People Pleasers

We have been on vacation, and then I went to Girls' Camp with my daughters.

Can you say F.U.N.? But that is why I haven't blogged for 2 weeks.

This summer has been a weird one. A little cloudy and moody, not just the weather, but our house. I don't know what the deal has been.

Probably the fact that we had two kids in casts for the first half of the summer was a contributing factor. No water, no sand kind of make it a bummer summer.

But it has kicked up since they got them off and the sunshine has come out. Both outside and in.

Because of some of the issues we have faced this summer as a family I have been a little more introspective about family dynamics and how you make changes as an individual.

And in the frame of mind I received an email today. It's an email list I signed up for from Carol Tuttle. She is the genius behind Dressing Your Truth. (click on my side bar to know more.)

But her email today linked to a list of things to do if you're a people pleaser. It was really good for me to read. So I am sharing it here.

These are not my words. But I agree with her.

"Do you feel drained at the end of every day, do you put other people first, or wish you could get away from all the demands put on you?

It’s time to leave the ranks of the people pleasers.

You’ll find plenty of advice that tell you to say, “No.” But I believe you need to assess and clear some core issues to ever be able to say it effectively. Try these tips:

1. Recognize what’s really going on.

The core issue that people pleasers struggle with is the idea that they are not lovable as they are. If you’re a people pleaser, you actually please others to meet your own need of feeling worthwhile.

But your worth is never in question!

Consider the possibility that you are valuable just because you exist!

2. Make a decision today before telling anyone.

Saying “no” means turning down someone else’s request. But what about your own requests?

People pleasers struggle to make decisions because they consider everyone else first. They often ask others’ opinions because they feel paralyzed by not being able to please everyone.

Sometime today, close your eyes, let go of everyone else’s demands and make a simple decision to do something you truly want.

3. Say something other than “I’m sorry.”

People pleasers often justify, defend, or apologize for the decisions they have made.

Next time you make a choice, just explain what you have chosen without apology.

Whatever else you might feel compelled to say (like “I’m sorry” or “because”), don’t. Just state your decision and move forward. You might be surprised at how well everyone takes it.

4. Speak up.

Oddly enough, because people pleasers pay attention to everyone else’s needs, they tend to think others should know their needs and take care of them. They shouldn’t.

If you need something, say it.

5. Tell yourself what you need to hear.

People pleasers often rely on others to tell them that they are okay or valuable. If you need to hear words of reassurance, don’t wait for someone else.

Write down the words that you want to hear, then look in the mirror and tell them to yourself.

6. Forgive yourself.

Do not dwell on all the times in the past you have felt run over or overwhelmed.

Put your hand over your heart and say, “I forgive myself. I have been doing the best I know how.”

You are. May your best continue to grow as you take care of yourself."

God Bless You,
Carol Tuttle

Good luck. I would love to hear strategies other people pleasers use to honor themselves and to not get caught up in saying yes just because they don't want to upset anyone. Thoughts?

A two-fer

I feel, that with six children, we have been extremely fortunate in the broken bone department.

When Julia was 3, she decided to hop up the stairs in our Cape Cod style home. When she was about to hit the top stair, she teetered backwards, cartwheeling all the way to the bottom. What did she receive for her hopping? Just a broken collar bone. Like I said, lucky.

Flash forward 8 years. When Henry was 2, he was laying/playing on my parents couch. Somehow he rolled off and fell onto their wood floor, breaking his collar bone. Nothing dramatic, and in fact it broke surprisingly easy. But at least it wasn't his head.

Now flash forward 3 years. Nora is outside playing in the back yard by herself while I chat with my friend. Suddenly we hear her "screaming bloody murder".

She comes in with her left arm limp at her side and she won't be comforted. Being in tune with each of my children and how long is normal for them to cry, I realize immediately that the child needs to go to the doctor.

My only mistake was in choosing the urgent care that I did. But it was close and is never busy.

We got there and the dr. examined her and decided an x-ray would be in order. The x-ray itself was a horrible, horrible crying affair as we tried to gently place her arm in the needed positions.

After we get back, dr. comes back in and says, well, "It doesn't look broken, but there is fluid on her elbow." ok, just so everyone else knows, fluid on bone is nearly always a sign!!!!

So, deciding that it isn't broken, he proceeds to try and pop her elbow back in place. He thinks it could be nursemaid's elbow. After trying three times unsuccessfully while Nora screams, and I bawl my eyes out, he says,"Well, maybe it's broken on the growth plate. I'll send you to Children's Orthopedics."

And so you know, as he was twisting her arm around, my mother's instinct was telling me that he was wrong. Nora's elbow had popped out just weeks before and I had popped it back in super easy. I told him that I had popped two different children's elbows back in a number of times and it was always easy, and he proceeded to tell me that because she was 3, she was at the upper end of the age when this happens and so it's tougher.  Bull honkey!!!! I should have listened to my instincts and told him what he could do with his theories on nursemaid's elbow!

So we take her to Children's Hospital Orthopedics. They take another x-ray. The bone doctor tells us that just from the way she is holding in she can tell it's broken, but the fluid confirms it and oh by the way, look at that crack!!

I don't know what urgent care doc and his radiologist were smoking, or maybe  they just don't see many broken arms?!!!!

Anyhoo, by now she is feeling better, they tell us to wait until her arm swelling goes down, and then we bring her back in for a cast.

We still only kind of know what happened, from what I could decipher, she fell off the top of the play set, the part with the little roof where they sit and play house and stuff.

So fast forward a few short weeks. I'm taking some friends to the airport when Kate calls me with Henry crying in the background.

"Mom, Henry fell off a chair in the backyard and he says his arm hurts."

I tell her to watch him and to call me back if he's still crying in ten minutes. He isn't. So I think, ok, he must have just landed funny.

But when I get home, his arm is hanging in that oh so familiar way. Darn it, shoot, crappity crap crap.

So I call Jeff and we could to a DIFFERENT urgent care. For two reasons, one because I will never let that other doc touch any of my kids again, and two, I'm too paranoid. People get their children taken away!!!

At the other urgent care, they don't touch his arm. They don't try to tell me that they think his elbow popped out. They take an x-ray and bing bing bing bing! We win the booby prize!







Two broken arms. Two casts at the beginning of the summer. Nice.

So then begins our 3 weeks of people asking us about it, or being afraid that we're abusive parents and just looking at us funny.

3 more weeks of no swimming, no biking, so going anywhere with sand or water or fun.

Luckily, Henry's break was not as bad as Nora's. So while she had to be in her cast for 6 weeks, he only had to be in it for 3. And since he broke his 3 weeks after her, they ended up getting their casts off on the same day!





So now, they are cast free. They still hold their arms in the position they've been in. The good doctor said they will probably do that for as long as they were in the casts. But now that we still have a month of summer left, they've already gone swimming and taken a good long bath and we have more plans to do so!

I have to say, I am honestly grateful that they weren't hurt worse. I'm grateful that Nora's 6 foot fall ended in a broken arm only.

I'm grateful that Henry's 2 foot tumble from a chair onto the grass didn't end in him being tickled to death. Seriously, does he just have soft bones?

But there you have it. Oh, and our family deductible has been met- which means that nothing else will happen to anyone else now:)