Breast impplant illness and implant removal-from sickness back to health

When I was 29 I had my 4 child. After she was born I got in really good shape, the best shape I've ever been in. But after pregnancy and nursing 4 babies I was dissatisfied with how flat I thought I was. And so I made the decision to get breast implants. To be totally transparent I knew I shouldn't get them, Jeff didn't want me to get them either. But I ignored both of us and instead gave in to the idea that a mother's body is somehow now good enough because of what its gone through. Rather than celebrating the normalcy and the rockstar status of how a body will change after having children. 

So in November of 2004 I got implants. And I thought that was it, my problems were solved and I would be happy forever.

The first sign that something was wrong (but I did not make the connections for years) was how much my anxiety skyrocketed. I have always been more of a high strung, high anxiety person, but this was different. This was anxiety on steroids. Then I was diagnosed with thyroid nodules. Then I started gaining weight. Still I wasn't making any connection between the implants and my health. Two years after I got my implants I had my fifth child. And I did not bounce back like I usually did. I was only 32 so it wasn't an age thing. I always lost the weight after my babies and this time it was sooo difficult. But I chalked it up to whatever the internet in 2006 could tell me-probably that being 32 was making me not lose weight suddenly? 

Between 2004 and up until surgery I developed the following symptoms:

Worsening anxiety and depression

Neck and shoulder pain(over time arthritis developed on the right side only)

weight issues

muscle pain and fatigue

gall bladder disease-thankfully I ignored advice to have it out and kept doing cleanses 

Fire stomach-my stomach burned all the time

Acid reflux

Brain fog

It band pain with or without exercise

Asthma symptoms and unable to take a deep breath

Panic attacks

dry skin

I could not hit high notes anymore-I have sung since high school, audition choirs on the east coast, church etc. This was especially devastating. I thought it was the thyroid nodules. 

lost and forgotten libido

chornic dehydration

vision changes

tendonitis in my arms and behind my knees

swelling in hands

swelling of the left calf 

easily nauseated

knee pain 

POTS 

SIBO

kidney problems 

Insomina and not being able to sleep through the night

bladder issues(I had two surgeries, one to fix the problem and then another to fix the problem that the first surgery caused) 

chronic constipation

food allergies that caused blisters on my face, worsening GERD and increased all over pain

Jaundiced appearance over the last 4 years(all of that silicone is hard on the liver apparently) 

Plantar fasciitis and pain in the bones of my feet

Loss of physical stamina and tiring quickly 

Arms falling asleep just driving sometimes but falling alseep without fail every night

diagnosis of eds-turns out I'm just hypermoble(flexible) but my body was sick. 

And while this list is just words on a page to someone reading it, to me it was frequent tears. Pain, feeling limited, not understanding why I hurt and felt sick all the time. I muscled through so much while believing my body was betraying me. But it was the other way around-I had betrayed my body. 

When I first came across breast implant illness I didn't want it to be true. But I knew it was. For 5 years I thought about it and finally found a facebook group with thousands of other women with symptoms like mine, some so bad that they could barely get out of bed. I also read their stories of healing completely after explanting and I was convinced I needed to have them removed. 

So along came some financial miracles to make it happen and on April 11 of the year I had the toxic things pulled-gone once and for all. 

In the 8 weeks since removal I have had the majority of my symptoms improve if not resolve completely. Because I had them in for almost 18 years, it will probably take a few years for everything to heal. My food allergies haven't resolved yet and there is still some residual issues in my shoulders and arms from the weight of the implants pulling on me for so long. But I have no doubt I will eventually be back to normal. 

When my doctor removed the implants, he also got the capsule that had formed around them. Basically scar tissue. The scar tissue was making it impossible for my chest to expand completely. No wonder I thought I had asthma. The very first thing I noticed when I came out of anesthesia was that I could take a full deep breath. Then I noticed the pain . Apparently my arm was bent and the pain meds weren't getting to where they needed to be haha. 

Since then my gall bladder hasn't bothered me once. My stomach has felt 90 percent better and I have had no heart burn. 

My first sunday back in church I could hit all the high notes again. I cried with gratitude that this gift was returned to me. 

My energy is returning. My neck doesn't hurt. My legs are daily losing the weakness and pain and fatigue. My libido has returned-happy day!! I thought it was lost forever honestly. But the proof is really in my face. I took a picture the week before surgery and then every day after for 3 weeks. Daily I could see improvements. And then I took my last picutre on Monday. Same bathroom, same lighting, same time of day. I am no longer yellow and my face has lost its puffiness. 

One of the things I am grateful for about this journey is that it led me down a path of holistic health. I have learned so much about nutrition, supplements, mind set, how the body works and overall health. So the last 18 years wasn't a total waste and God has taken my mistake and still blessed me in the middle of it. I became certified as a body code practitioner and have helped 100s of people because of it. 

But I can't help but wonder what the last 18 years would have been like if I had just loved myself more. 

I have strong feelings now about implants. I don't judge anyone else for having them. How could I? But I don't believe there is a single woman who hasn't or won't be affected by having a foreign object made of silicone in their body. My immune system and body spent all of those years trying to fight off what I voluntarily and electively put in my body. It made me sick and tired and sad and hopeless. It was not worth the few months of joy I had before my body started to rebel against the toxic waste in my body. 

So if you or someone you know is thinking about getting them, I will direct you to studies and many many other women with stories exactly like mine if you like. We all just told ourselves that we were getting old or we were repeatedly misdiagnosed with autoimmune disorders, or thyroid disorders or just told we needed to eat better and exercise. When in fact, we just bought into a societal belief that women are suppose to look like they've never had children, or like porn stars, or some other iteration of ridiculousness that requires us to change our bodies to be whole or valuable. 

And I'm over it. If you have implants, get them out as fast as you can. Before its too late. We have had women on our facebook page who died before they could get them out. Its unnecessary. Its abusive. And its time for a rebellion against the perfect bodies, not "looking" like we've had babies or the pressure to be "hot moms". Sheesh. 

I decided to share what I have been through in the hopes that if it convinces just one woman to not get them or to get them out, then maybe my suffering will have maybe been worth it. 

If you read this far, thank you. Obviously I regret it and even spiritually I regretted it within a year. But part of setting myself right physically has been the work I've done to set myself right emotionally. And sharing this has been a further step in knowing that I am ok how I am. And so are you. 

20

You turn 20 once. But you are awesome forever. Charlie is awesome forever. Kind, good, quirky in the best ways, laughs easily, rolls with it, and is finding his way just like the rest of us. 

We love you buddy. Happy birthday. 

Spring break

Mother, daughters, sisters, friends

Before Kate heads back to college, we knew we needed a girls trip. Adult daughters and mom (cuz they like me but also cuz I'm the one with the money;)

So off to California we went. Lots of yummy food, fun music and lots of great discussion about what makes us who we are.

We visited the ocean in February cuz we are Allen's ;) And then off to Universal the next day cuz theme parks have a feeling to them that is just so fun!

I love my daughters. I became a mom pretty quickly after getting married and never once have I been sad about the timing. My kids are all close together which means they are all close.

So thankful to be their mom and to have memories like this to last the rest of my life.

State champs

These two girls. Little blonde robotics champs, thats what they are.They were part of the winning team for the Nevada Elementary School State Championship.

 I think Payton's mom calls them popcorn? Cuz every time one of them is driving, the other is jumping up and down giving encouragement and direction to the other.






I don't think they were expecting the win, or to feel the way they did when they won. The crying went on for hours. It was a pretty intense day. Until this year I knew nothing about robotics or competitions. Its pretty intense to watch and the kids get very excited and focused and emotional and all the feels. All of them.









That is not laughing, it is full on emotional release crying.






So proud of these kids. All three teams from Nate Mack Elementary school made it to the World Competition in Kentucky. They practiced 3, 4 days a week after school and then on Saturdays. They had to keep good grades and good behavior to stay on the team. Nora maintained straight A's the whole time while also being on Student Council and in honor choir.

It was amazing to watch them all accomplish so much and their AMAZING teacher Mrs. Juliano worked tirelessly to get them to this point. I'm so grateful Nora got to attend Nate Mack elementary school and learn about her capabilities and a new found love for STEM.

She’s home.

After 18 months of being away from home, of serving the Lord and the people of Argentina and Paraguay, Sis. Kate Allen is home. I learned that my heart can reside partially in another country. I learned that for 18 months at least, Mondays are my favorite days. (emails home)

I learned that someone can change a lot while staying themselves. And I learned that someone doesn't have to be older than you to set a good example for you.

We all missed her so much. We experienced a lot of things without her and her without us. But in the end we are a family. Eternal and bound together by really strong ties.

Kate is an amazing person in every sense of the word. She is lovely and loving, she is smart and capable but vulnerable and inquisitive and having her home after such a long time is the best gift I could be given.

The only thing better than hugging your missionary after 18 months, is the first time you hold them as a newborn.

Well done Hermana Allen.







Here is me still in awe that I am actually talking to her face to face. Such a beautiful moment.






I love this girl more than I could ever express in words. So grateful she chose me as her mom:)

That time we went to Disneyland by ourselves!!

For our birthdays this year, we thought, wouldn't it be crazy and awesome to go to Disneyland together?

And so we did. And it was awesome. We spent a day at Disney then a day at the LA zoo.

And the best part? We held hands the whole time. Like the whole time. And I realized that holding hands is pretty much the best thing you can do to be aware of how much you love someone and how great your life together is. 

We got to watch Fantasmic finally. Which was fun. But cold and my bottom hurt after sitting on the ground for 2 hours. But did I mention that we got to hold hands?

Birthday in Disneyland

So this year for birthdays, I offered to the kids to have experiences instead of presents. And being so close to California makes that a lot easier than it might have been in the past. (one perk for living in Vegas)

So Henry chose to spend his 12th birthday at Disneyland. And I wasn't going to complain so off we went. We got a park hopper and went to Disneyland and California Adventure. The Guardians of the Galaxy ride was awesome (formerly tower of terror) but it made my nervous system so jumpy that I giggled for about 5 minutes after ward. Which prompted Henry to ask a few time, "Are you ok mom?"

I let him hair spray his hair blue for his birthday. And he got a button since it was his actual birthday and he's a quiet kid but he enjoyed having everyone say, "Happy Birthday Henry"

My favorite part? He held my hand almost everywhere we went. I didn't ask him too. He just reached over and grabbed it and my mama heart nearly burst out of my chest. I love this boy. Oh so much. He is tender and sweet, funny and kind and he wasn't embarrassed, at 12, to hold my hand. So, so grateful that Heavenly Father let me be his mom.

On the way home, there was a wild fire that shut down the freeway, our only way home, for 4 hours. So we got food, found a good book on how to draw Spider Man and just chilled and talked. 

Such a great experience to be one on one with out kids. To hear their thoughts on life without anyone interrupting. Focusing on an experience rather than just stuff made his birthday one of the best experiences ever. And guess what? He didn't miss the stuff;)

Happy birthday Henry. You are one of a kind:)

19

This girl. So much talent and insight and beauty rolled into one person. Julia is proof that we can shine in the middle of growing experiences and take the lessons learned to help others.

I am so proud of the young woman she has become. She is funny and engaging, spiritual and spirited and so ready to learn about herself and the world around her.

When she was a baby, I looked at her and instinctively felt that her spirit was older than mine. Even as a baby and toddler she has shown a depth to her that has always astounded me.

Happy birthday Julia. There is so much that awaits you. I'm excited to watch you as you journey on:)

15

This girl. What a lovely beautiful surprise she was. Charlie was 9 months old when I found out I was pregnant with her. But how grateful I am that they are 17 months apart. They have been good friends their whole lives and as our lives have taken us many places, I am so thankful 15 years ago that she came into our lives a little earlier than expected ( not only getting pregnant with her, but the fact she was 3 weeks early, which meant she made the cut off for school and was only a grade behind Charlie).

Anne Marie is genuinely one of the funniest people I know. She cracks me up DAILY. For reals. She is a natural creator-of funny things, of art, of dance. She really exudes talent and creativity in everything she does. And she brightens up my life and any room when she is truly being herself.

Her face in this photo is because we enjoyed those cookies A LOT staying at a friends vacation home for two weeks in between rentals. So I found more for her and she was pretty excited.



Also, this has been the year of Korea. Korean pop music, Korean food Korean dramas and the Korean language. She loves the Korean culture and language and especially the cute K-Pop idols and their music. I mean, she loves it so much that we are ALL pretty well informed on their names and ages and their favorite work outs. So for her birthday, Jeff and I took her to a Korean restaurant. It was really tasty and really fun and she was so happy to be able to understand some of the things being said around her.




Anne Marie has learned a lot about herself and others this year. It has not been easy moving to Las Vegas, but she has worked hard and grown a lot. We are really proud of who she is and can't wait to see what else she creates in this life in the forms of art, music, dance and the joy she brings to others.

Happy birthday Anne Marie

Nora is 10

Nora is 10. How is my baby ten years old?

Seriously, I don't even understand how so much time passed so quickly. 

Not. At. All.

But alas, it has and it has been wonderful. Filled with the little blonde head bobbing around our home and our lives since 2008. 

And once again, she spent her birthday surrounded by moving boxes as we prepared to move to a different house. Not state this time at least. 

And once again, she had a Harry Potter birthday because Harry Potter and the world JK Rowling created is her second home. 

For her family party, I made a beautiful and yummy cake just for her. But for the big party, the one with her friends? Nothing but a Snitch Cake would do. 

Her house is Hufflepuff. And yes, knowing which house you belong to matters and separates the true Potter fans from the muggles;)

I'm also so grateful for good friends. Nora has been REALLY blessed with good friends. And when you have had to move and leave behind other really good friends, it makes all the difference in a new place

I'm so grateful to be Nora's mom. She brings lots of ideas and fun and keeping us on track to our family. She's a general if I ever met one, but she gets things done, she accomplishes her goals and she's really really fun and nice while she does it. 

Happy birthday sweet, darling Nora. Thanks for being a bookend and for being so gosh darn cute:)

16

Sometimes mom pulls one out of that hat that even this “gives me a list so I don’t get it wrong “ birthday kid didn’t see coming. 

When we left Ellensburg, Charlie left behind his beloved sweatshirt from Winter Musical freshman year. He left it at a friends house and by the time we realized it, they had just taken it with a pile of stuff to goodwill. Charlie was pretty sad about it. 

But never fear when you have a tenacious mother. Unbeknownst to Charlie, I reached out to the director and asked if he happened to have any left. And guess what?! He did! So I sent off a check and he sent me the sweatshirt and the following is a chronicle of the surprise and delight and the “my mom is the best mom in the whole world”  look on his face. 

He was turning 16 away from his extended family and friends. So making his birthday special was a little trickier. But I think we pulled it off:)





Pictures are grainy, life was a bit grainy this last year. But the picture is getting clearer and living in Las Vegas has been alright. Charlie is an amazing kid with a lot of talents and gifts that I am excited to see him get to use.

We are so grateful Heavenly Father sent Charlie to us. He has taught us a lot about unconditional love, acceptance and growing together as parents and son.

Love this boy. Forever

Dreams do come true

our children probably thought they were the only kids ever that had not been to Disneyland. According to an informal poll that Henry took in his 4th grade classroom, this is true.

But it turns out they are no longer in the "my parents must hate Disneyland and us otherwise they would have taken us by now" club.

We had a blast. It was so fun to see everyone's excitement at everything. We missed Kate and Julia terribly because they had a dynamic to our family that is so wonderful. But such is life when people dare to grow up and move out.

We saved for months and kept it a secret. Then gave it to them for Christmas. Their reaction was hilarious in its underwhelm-ment. But the second we walked through the gates at Disneyland, they suddenly understand what everyone gets so excited about.

We also went to Universal which was Nora's personal dream. Julia and her share a vast love of all things Harry Potter. So universial studios was imagination come to life for sweet Nora.

It was a wonderful and an amazing memory. And hopefully it did a lot to soothe the sad hearts that resulted from moving to Las Vegas. When Disneyland is only 4 hours away, there is a lot of healing it can do:)