Living vicariously through my teenage daughters:)

Do you remember being a teenage girl? I mean, if you are a girl. I do. It was a fun time full of friends, boys and unattainable famous people that I could pine away for.

Well, as luck would have it, my girls are normal teenage girls. They have a few love interests that while a few years older than them, are totally worth the time devoted to adoring them.

So when I learned that one of these young men was touring with Carrie Underwood, I thought, what a great Christmas present.

The girls knew they were getting concert tickets for Christmas. What they didn't know is that instead of the nosebleeds I claimed we got, we really were 22 rows back on the floor.

We were happy enough that we would be seeing Carrie Underwood.




But what they were REALLY waiting for was this young fella. Mr. Hunter Hayes.




I know my camera phone pictures are blurry and low quality, but man I wish you could have seen the looks on their faces when Hunter came onstage.


It was a super fun night and as an old lady, I was really impressed with those young singer people;)

Hunter Hayes writes all his own songs, and played every instrument on his album. He plays a crazy amount of instruments. And he is adorable and cute and a great singer. And he's 21. What girl WOULDN'T be in love with him?

But since I am old enough to be his mother, I can just enjoy his music and talent without swooning.

And Carrie Underwood? The girl can sing. She put on a really good show too. So even though we weren't there for her, it was really awesome getting to listen to her.

My girls are pretty big fans of Hunter. But nothing could match the frenzy I went through over New Kids on the Block. Posters, watches, t-shirts, large buttons, 3 concerts and one amazing glimpse of Jonathan Knight from behind a chain link fence.

That is why I never make fun of ANYONE for the bands they love. I lived it. It later transferred to different genres. Yes, I outgrew NKOTB. But I will always say that my first musical love was Jordan, Donny, Joey, Danny and Jonathan.



And yes, I thought their hair was AMAZING. I was going to marry Donny by the way:) (I never noticed before that Jordan kind of looks like a girl) They're coming back on tour. Hmmmmmm......

No showings today, if you please.

It is not that bad keeping my house clean. Now that it's clean. One of the kids noticed how much easier it is to keep it clean than it is to get a messy house clean again. Yeah, funny how that works. But I have to look at things differently now to keep it show ready.

What would bother someone if they came through our house? Well, it would bother me to see someone else's garbage, dirty laundry or toothbrushes if I was looking to buy their house. I wouldn't like toothpaste splatters on the faucet. Or unmade beds.

So after we clean each morning, and if there is going to be a showing, we make all the beds, take out all the garbages, make sure there is no dirty laundry in sight, and hide our toothbrushes and wipe the splatters.

But today is a little different. Today, there are no showings!!!

Why? Because I decided that if anyone calls, I will tell them we can't today. It's winter break, and my kids have not been able to sleep in or veg one single day. So that is my gift that I'm giving to them. And myself. I slept in til 9 and it felt awesome!!!

They still have to make their beds and clean up first, simply because it's a nice routine now. But I don't have to hide garbages or vacuum:) Yay!

Henry's job was to water the flowers out front. Funny to see such lovely flowers in February, isn't it? And don't you love the AM on the side of the house? A remnant of Anne Marie's 5 year old tendency to write on everything.





Charlie gets to do what his heart desires A LOT lately, play Minecraft. He even cleaned the bathroom without complaint in order to receive this privilege. And if you notice, there is still no TV. I love it.



Anne Marie is the ring leader of all fun games. The girl has a mind that goes non stop in the "lets do something" category. It's lovely to behold honestly. And she takes Henry and Nora on her imaginative journeys and they come back happy and full of child like excitement.



This is how teenagers like to spend their mornings-getting up late, staying in pajamas, searching Facebook and Pinterest. Or in Julia's case, Howrse.com. Its a site about taking care of your virtual horse. I love that she loves that. I love that my 13 year old is more enamored by horses than boys.



And I love that my kitchen is clean. It was easily cleaned, it only took 5 minutes to tidy up after breakfast. I in fact, love having to keep the house clean. It reminds me of my life many, many years ago. And I realize it's not as hard as I think on the days when there is no one coming to see the house. I get a little stressed out when people are coming. But when it's just keeping it tidy for us, it's not stressful, just joyful.



And Kate is here today. But she is getting ready to go to the mall with her friends. That sentence astounds me. She is supposed to be wandering around with a tippy cup still. Go back to bed baby Kate. You're not allowed to be so old and independent. I really don't mind. It's just a weird place to be in. I'M supposed to be a teenager going to the mall with her friends. I'm not supposed to be old enough to HAVE a child doing that. sheesh.

I hope if you're in the middle of mid-winter that you are enjoying your time together and your family. I love my family so much.

I miss gluten, but not how it makes me feel.

It's been a year since I went gluten free.

It's been mostly great. I haven't cheated once. I feel better.

But it took me almost the whole year to realize I was not going to be making delicious homemade bread anymore.

To realize that this was for real. *sigh*



It's ok. Well, not really. But I'm glad for how much better I feel. For how my family feels. But seriously, there will never be bread like homemade white bread. With all it's gluten-y goodness.

It's been fine for the past 11 months. But as I approach the year mark, I'm feeling like I just want to take a big fat bite of homemade white bread.

I won't. But I want to.

I love LOVE.

I love my husband, children and family.

I love that I have to bribe Nora to snuggle with me now that she is 4, but that she perks right up when I take our picture.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Moving on

Yesterday was, well, exhausting. If Jeff's sister Delayna had not driven over from Ellensburg and worked her little tail off, I would never have been able to get everything ready for our Realtor to take pictures.

This house is clean. (Poltergeist anyone?)

Like, really clean.

But now I must maintain. I can toootally do that. hahahaha!

No really, I have to. It will be fine. (hyperventilating into bag now)

When Jeff saw the pictures on the JohnLScott site, he said, "Are we doing the right thing?"

Something about your house looking so great makes it harder to want to part with it.

When it looks like crud and there are cereal dishes and laundry everywhere, it seems easier to walk away. You know?

But when it looks like this: It's harder to want to leave it.


Aaaaannnd it's listed for 80 k less than we bought it for!!!!!!!

But, despite the seeming lack of logic behind our decision, ie; we live in a great area, with good schools, great house, great friends, we have been feeling for a while that some kind of big change was coming our way.

And if you've read this blog for a while, then you know how I feel about the country, which Ellensburg is. And since I grew up half an hour away in Cle Elum, it really is like going home.

Jeff started feeling like we should move to Ellensburg. I was like, what?!!!! "But I like it here now. I love my friends, my house, etc. etc. "

But I started to get that feeling too. So we did what we always try to do when we make decisions, we prayed about it.

I didn't want to at first. Cuz I was not happy about it. But I couldn't shake the feeling that this was right, either. And even after I got the very strong answer of yes, you are supposed to do this. I still went back again and said, really? are You sure?

So here we are, with our house on the market.

As we have pondered this decision, there have been more reasons that came to mind of why this would be a good thing for our family. Sunshine, houses with acreage, seasons, outdoor activities for very active boys who are stuck inside when it's raining, alot!, smaller schools, grandparents and cousins in the same town, and everything is close so I won't spend hours in the car every day. Yes, hours. I'm not even exaggerating. Currently, unless I am going to fred meyer, I will be gone at least an hour and a half for any appt, grocery trip or activity. Now granted in Ellensburg, there will still be some of that. If I need Target or Costco then I have to drive half an hour to go to Yaki-vegas. But it takes me 20 minutes to go to Target now.

And the very best part, Jeff's company and his client have agreed to Jeff working from home 3 days a week.

That is the most wonderful part of all of this. Again, if you've read this blog for very long, then you probably know how I feel about my husband. So having him home 3 days a week, working in the other room, is such a gift.

Leaving will still be hard. Right now my parents come to our house once a week to give piano lessons. That won't be possible when we are 2 1/2 hours away instead of one. My sister will now be 2 1/2 hours away instead of 1. My brother and his family are potentially moving back to this area and my SIL Amy is one of my dearest friends. So that stinks.  I have made some of my best friends here. And so have my children.

I have had some down moments this week. Partially because I've been recovering, I'm guessing. But also because even when you know you're making the right decision and listening to what Heavenly Father wants for you, it can still be hard to actually do it.

Because I don't know yet all the good things that will come from it. But I'm trying really hard to let go of the things I have no control of, like what kind of house will be available for us to live in over there, or when our house here will sell or how my children will handle moving or if I will make friends. And if I do make friends and get comfortable, will Heavenly Father ask us to move again? And instead, I'm just trying to focus on the promises I know are sure when we listen to the answers given to us in prayer.

I've seen first hand how things fall into place when you are on the right track. And Jeff's company said yes so fast to him working from home, that we felt that was the first sign of everything working out.

Now, as far as selling the house goes, we will just cross and fingers and pleasantly wait in a very tidy house.

A super duper, anxiety inducing, tidy house:)

If you're squeamish don't read this. I warned you.

I've been quieter than normal on this blog the last 4 plus months. I haven't totally discussed why. I'm not sure many people noticed, other than my husband and mother:)

The reason why is kind of embarrassing. It's not something that is pleasant to talk about. But I'm going to today.

As you all know, I have had six kids. That many children can wreak havoc on the bodies of some women. For me, the first 5 seemed to be no big deal-aside from some postpartum depression, which is a whole other post. Recovery was great, everything still worked afterwards.

Then Nora came along. Sweet, beautiful, wonderful Nora. Who was worth every minute of all of it. Who I would repeat it all for.


That said, I noticed things I hadn't noticed before. Like how sneezing with a full bladder was a bad idea. Like how running with a bladder, not a full one, just a bladder, was a bad idea. How coughing was a bad idea, laughing too hard a bad idea, waiting too long to pee, a bad idea....

You get the point.

Then I started noticing that it didn't matter what I did, that Poise pads were my present and future.

I then had a friend who decided enough was enough, being in a similar situation to myself, and she went and had bladder sling surgery.

This surgery involves placing a tiny mesh sling under the urethra in order to support it and keep it from opening when it shouldn't. *ahem*

Her surgery was successful. And then I talked to another friend who had it done and hers was successful.

I decided that was enough research (stupid, stupid, stupid) and so I went to the doctor of one of the friends and said, "Hey, I want this done too."

My first concern should have been that he didn't say,"What else have you tried?"

I had tried a zillion kegels (squeezing of the muscles, down there, to strengthen everything.) which worked with my other kids, but did nothing this time.

So he put me through a number of humiliating tests, which I won't talk about, if you want to know, google it.

All to discover that yes, I was a candidate for the surgery, so lets schedule it. Woohoo I thought.

The morning of September 12th came along. I woke up early and immediately had a bad feeling. A feeling that I should cancel the surgery. Let me just say, DON'T BE AFRAID TO LISTEN TO THOSE FEELINGS!!!

But I just brushed it off as nervousness. I thought, my surgery is in 2 hours, I can't cancel anyway. I should have called.

The doctor told me that my recovery would be a few days. So I was completely unprepared for the fact that I could barely walk. Not necessarily from anything "down there" but because my legs hurt so bad. I knew that they would make an incision in the crease of my legs in order to thread the piece of mesh through.

What I didn't know is that they take hooks of some type and move your tendons out of the way in order to get that mesh in. So that explained why I felt like I'd been forced into the splits, or why I felt like someone had popped my legs off and then forced them back on again. Like a Barbie Doll.

At first it hurt to sit down. A lot. I figured that was normal. At first it hurt to let the water from the shower touch any part of where I had surgery. I thought that was normal.

Then as three weeks went by, 4 weeks, and I still couldn't sit on a hard chair, I began to wonder if that was normal. It didn't seem normal that I felt like I was being stabbed with something from the inside every time I sat down or squeezed those muscles.  It didn't seem normal that every time I wiped after going pee that it hurt me.

It also didn't seem normal that I felt so traumatized. I have had two surgeries previous to this. One pretty invasive, the other foot surgery. And I did not wake up feeling so emotionally distraught.

I felt so awful in fact, that I refused to go see my doctor for my 6 week follow up. I thought I would have a break down if I had to look at him. I'm not saying he did anything that warranted this, I just couldn't see him.

In fact it took me until 2 1/2 months post op to work up the courage. And I brought Jeff with me.

I then had to tell the doctor about the stabbing pain on the inside right of my nethers. I then had to also tell him that nothing could touch me in the clitoral area (sorry everyone, but it's the truth) without it hurting. Yeah, intimacy? Well I learned real quickly what an amazing man I'm married to. I knew that already, but this just added to the list of his great qualities.

First of all, the doc got very pale. And he very nicely said that he had never had anyone come in with those symptoms.

Great. I was alone.

Then he proceeded to do an exam that felt like he was digging for gold, and from that exam he declared that it felt like the mesh had slipped.

His solution was for me to go a few more months to see if the pain got better and then he could possibly take it out.

At this point I just wanted to run out of his office. I can't even write about this without crying.

So I went home discouraged. Very discouraged. I felt very depressed and things like blogging seemed to not matter very much.

Then I started researching this surgery. And boy oh boy. There are lawsuits against the makers of this mesh. There is blog after blog sharing similar and worse stories than mine.

The worst part is that doctors are still doing this surgery. Even with all the problems. I feel lucky that my problems started immediately. Some women have had health problems for years and have only begun to realize it was all connected to the mesh surgery they had 15 years ago.

They used to do this surgery using your own tissue. But the recovery was longer, and well, we are a drive through nation. Heaven forbid we have to recover longer. No, lets just place a foreign object that can erode through your vaginal wall or tie itself up in your nerves causing clitoral pain.

After all this research I also learned that a urologist can only remove part of the mesh. The end pieces can only be removed by an orthopedic surgeon because it is so much more complicated to get those little pieces that are embedded out.

I also realized that I never wanted that previous doctor touching me ever again. I don't even think it was his fault, but mentally and physically I associate him with the beginning of my troubles. And it's my body, I get to decide who operates on it.

So I found some ladies, yes ladies, who only deal with urology and urogynocology. Just women. No men.

I went and told my doctor all my problems. She also told me she hadn't heard of my specific symptoms. But after a lot more thorough question and answer period, an exam including an ultrasound, she told me that she thought removing it would be the best option. That my nerves were obviously fired up and she though she couldn't be positive that the mesh was the cause of the pain when I sat, it seemed like the likely culprit.

She was up front and told me she couldn't remove all of it, that it would require an orthopedic surgeon's help. But that if just removing it didn't solve it all, we could go back in and remove the rest.

So this last Tuesday, I went into surgery again. This time I had no bad feelings the morning of. And believe me, I was listening this time.

So far recovery has been much better. Partly because she does not have to hold back the tendons of my legs with metal hooks to remove the mesh. Thank goodness.

While I was waking up, she went to the waiting room and showed Jeff pictures of the whole process. She said that the side where I was experiencing pain was red and raw. Which to me, screams the beginnings of erosion.

Because despite waiting a few months like the last doc suggested, the pain had started to get worse, not better. Because the mesh was digging into my flesh on a daily basis.

Right now it still hurts to sit down, but that's because I was cut open and then sewn back up again only 6 days ago.

The jury is still out as to whether the sitting pain and clitoral pain will be gone. Because everything hurts right now. And I have learned about something called Post-operative fatigue. Basically it is normal, but for me it makes me need about 10 hours of sleep at night, plus a nap. I experienced this last time as well as this time. It sucks, but again, I have the most amazing and patient husband ever. I really do. Nothing shows a man's true nature better than when you are in need. He has put the kids to bed every night. He has told me to go to bed when I couldn't keep my eyes open at 8. He has scolded me for doing too much and said, "Just tell me what to do and I will do it for you!"

So that helps a ton.

And I am hopeful that this surgery did the trick. Of course, there is also the lovely fact that since the mesh has been removed, that the job it was good at-helping me not pee my pants-is most likely done. I can't tell yet because of post-operative other stuff. But I knew that going into it. And I'd rather wear a pad the rest of my life than have it hurt when I sit down.

And bonus, since this surgery will cause us to meet our 1000 dollar deductible(yay us), there is nothing stopping  me from getting the last bits removed by an orthopedic surgeon if need be.

Well, there is one thing that might postpone it at least. We're moving!!!

We're listing our house tomorrow, and when it sells, we are moving to Ellensburg.

The timing of having my house ready for pictures tomorrow is unfortunate since I am not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds or vacuum for the next few weeks.

But, we didn't plan this. When I scheduled my surgery, we didn't know we were moving yet.

So wish me luck today as I attempt to clean and ready my house without being able to lift anything, while taking Vicodin, AND most likely needing a nap.

And I will tell you all more about what led to the sudden decision to change our entire lives tomorrow. After the pictures have been taken.

Oh and one more thing. Please don't have this surgery. I know there are people who it has been successful for. But do a bit of research, and you will see that statistically the chances are that you could be in the same boat as me. And let me tell you, I wish I could get off this boat-drop anchor and run.

********************************Update*****************************************
After the surgery to remove the mesh, my pain did not get better. So my next option was something called vaginal physical therapy. Didn't know that was a thing? Yeah, neither did I. But apparently there are angels on earth who do this work. It was uncomfortable both emotionally and physically for me and I had to ask someone to help watch my kids for 2 months worth of appointments but it helped tremendously. But add it to the list of things I wish to never repeat. And add to it to the list of strange, previously unknown things that I'm extremely grateful for. Also, 3 years later, I still have some pain. Not sure if it will ever go away and if this is my new normal. But at least its better.

Mornings

Mornings are not my favorite.

I am more of a stay up late, get up late kind of person.

But even more so than waking myself up, I have a hard time waking my kids up.

They seemed to have inherited my love of staying up and sleeping in. So when I walk in their rooms, and they are all snuggled up, warm and toasty and happy, it is really hard for me to whisper those dreaded words,

 "Time to get up for school."




What I really want to do is crawl in with them, listen to their breathing and fall back asleep myself.

My mother used to be dressed and ready, breakfast made for us and kitchen tidy by the time we came down the stairs.

Me? Not so much.

I'm more of a "drive them to the bus stop in my pajamas kind of a person".

And then I come home and stare at the breakfast dishes hoping they will disappear all on their own.

It's not that I don't value things being tidy and my day having some semblance of order and schedule to it.

I just don't like being in charge of that order and schedule:)

Well, until I do.

It depends on the day. I'm sure my kids dread when I get in my cleaning and organizing mode.

I live my life a little randomly. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

But every day is a happy one, and I am so grateful.

What isn't missing.

This is a long post. Sorry ;)




Normally there is a big, black box sitting on this table.

A big, black, boob tube ready to fill the minds of inquiring children with nothing.

Well, after I redid the living room,which I will show you pictures of below, I decided that something was out of place.

And I noticed that whenever the tv was on, whether it was to watch a show or play the Wii, that there was an inordinate amount of fighting.

"It's MY turn to pick the show!!!! You've been playing for a LONG time!!!! Why do you get to hold the remote?!!!!!"

So I made a brave decision, and Jeff agreed. So I took the tv, the Wii, and the DVD player and put them in another room. Not hooked up, not usable-just out of the way.

That was two weeks ago.

And may I just say, it was the best decision I have made for our family in a long time.

Last week I asked Charlie and Anne Marie if they didn't love not having the tv as much as I did.

Charlie replied, "No. I miss it."

"Really?" I asked. "You miss fighting over who has the remote and who gets to pick next? You miss the constant loud din of the tv in the background of everything we do? You miss me constantly telling everyone to turn it off?"

"Huh." He said. "You're right, I'm glad it's gone. "

True story folks.

Only once has Nora asked to watch a show. And I just told her we don't have a tv. So she did something else. And no one else has said a word about it.

Yesterday I remarked to Jeff how great it was to hear Henry and Nora play all morning. To hear them go outside and play pirates instead of being babysat by the TV.

Right now I have 2 kids home sick, plus Nora. What do you do with kids when they're home sick besides watch tv? Well, Jeff got a book on cd from the library and right now as I type this Charlie, Anne Marie and Nora are all listening to Bunnicula. Of course Charlie tried to hook up the tv when I wasn't looking. But it was his first sick day without it, so I'm not exactly surprised either:)

They still get time on the computer. I don't mind that. But we have blocked Netflix so that they can just play games. They each get a half an hour. That's it. And as time goes on, everyone surprisingly gets off when their turn is over without all the normal wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Some of this came easily because we already only had Netflix. And Jeff and I hardly ever watch tv. We don't have time, and when we do, we're too tired.

So that was step one.

Step two was removing it from use.

The next step is to sell the tv. Seriously, I don't care about it anymore. Yet I am still hesitant to actually get rid of it. It has become such a fixture, that even if we aren't using it, it would be weird to not have it in the house.

Baby steps.

But truly, it has been WONDERFUL!!! We sit and talk. The kids play Legos, marbles, they read, they interact, they do their homework!!!! They play games together and the best part? Fighting has been cut in half. No joke. Not that my children fought very much before. They just don't in general. But any fighting is too much. So to have it cut in half is miraculous.

I highly recommend it. Although it is not for the feint of heart. It would be a much bigger adjustment for most families simply because tv and video games are such huge fixtures in some homes. And that is fine. No judgement. I just couldn't stand the noise and the intrusion it was even one more day.

I just am amazed at how quickly my children have adjusted without it. How quickly I learned to not use it as a babysitter when I was tired, wanted to get things done, or just needed a break.

I have no plans of bringing it back. I would truly be insane to trade the calmer, more peaceful, serene home we have just to be entertained by stuff that really doesn't improve our lives one bit.

And I love my living room without it. It was such a blight on an otherwise lovely room. I only wish I had gotten rid of it sooner.

What, you may ask, will we do when we DO want to watch something as a family? Well, we have two laptops and a computer with screens that were big enough ten years ago. I think we will manage:)

And for your perusal, pictures of my "new" living room. New because I actually don't mind the black couches now.

And I currently have a thing with antlers, if you couldn't tell. Thanks to Michele for the real ones!!! And thanks to Jeff for the metal Antelope in the top picture, that I have been coveting. You both know me so well!



Always, the dirty windows.


I loved these pillows, but they didn't have the one color I needed them to have. So I painted them. A little blue paint and I had the blue birds I so desired.


These curtains were on a whim. I bought more drop cloth from Home Depot, just like I did for my master bedroom redo. And then, because I had zero money, I used a bunch of kitchen towels I had left over from my boutique, and I cut, sewed and ruffled them and then sewed them onto some fabric I bought on clearance at Ikea. It gives the room some nice texture and tones down the black couches.



Those shelves are pallets. Used to bring lovely stones for my friends back yard makeover. I cleaned them, tore off the back boards. Then I sanded the heck out of them and Jeff hung them up. Free and awesome if I do say so myself. Then I shopped my house and used money my aunt gave me for Christmas to fill in some gaps and I am pleased as punch. Yes I am.






A little switcherooing on the mantel was in order as well.



And pre-metal Antelope.



And my sister, who also knows me so well, got me this metal bird for my birthday.

I might have squealed when I saw it. And not pictured, because it's in the kitchen, is a lovely new cake stand that my friend Amber gave me. Do I have people that know and love me or what?



So there you go. A TV free, soothing, lovely place to talk and be together. No more movies lying around. No more Wii remotes hidden in the couch cushions. I am content, and so is my family. There have and probably will be a few more bumps in the road.

But it's been totally worth it. And now, it feels like nothing is missing at all.

Being here

I turned 39 yesterday.

Yes, I know there are only 6 candles. I seriously don't think I have the lung capacity to blow out 39 candles.

I'm not really sure I'm ready to be 39.

While driving in the car with my dad the day before, I said, "Can you believe I'm going to be 29?"

Obviously even I don't think I'm mature enough to be 39.

And for some reason, both 29 and 39 are annoying. I didn't mind turning 30, and I won't mind turning 40. I say, get it over already.

It's more annoying to spend the year hearing, "Ahhh, next years the big one!"

Not it's not. Every year that I'm alive makes that birthday big.

You see folks, I had an epiphany a little while ago.

Are you ready for it?

I get to be here.

That's it.

*crickets*

No really, that's all.

I get to live, love, watch my kids grow, enjoy every moment with my husband, see sunshine, smell ocean air, feel cool breezes, hear belly laughs from my babies.

It doesn't matter if my back hurts, if I lose a foot, am in a wheelchair, or can't lose that last 30 pounds. (that's a joke cuz no one ever says the last 30. Except for me:)

The fact is that I am here. I get to experience this gift of life with all of it's ups and downs. Trials, joys, tribulations, heart stopping happiness and everything in between.

There is a blog I read, the nienie dialogues. She lived through a horrific plane crash. She was burned on over 80 percent of her body. She has daily pain, she looks nothing like her former self. But you know what? She is happy. Truly happy.

She talks about it all the time, how happy and blessed she is. And I used to wonder, how is she so happy when she faces so much in the way of trials?

But I get it now. And no, I don't equate my back issues with her being burned on her whole body. What I go through is so small compared to her. But I still get it.

I just had a realization, a true gift from God that happiness and appreciation for this life is not dependent on our physical state. The house we have, the clothes we wear, the aches and pains we feel, the money in our bank account. And I know people say that, maybe you say that. Because we're supposed to say that. And we want to believe it. But do you truly?

Those things for sure can make life simpler, but happier? No. And now, well,  I truly believe it now.

I am just so grateful to be here. Something at a cellular level has changed in me. I don't even know how to express it adequately. I just know that I have every reason in the world to feel happy and blessed.

I wish this feeling had washed over me and become part of me years ago. It's not that I walked around moping and crying about how hard life was. But I did not feel the joy of breathing. The sheer magnitude of my gifts. Of my family, my Savior, my life, my marriage. I was thankful for sure. I knew logically that I had a ton to be thankful for.

But I finally know it. My faith has become knowledge. Faith is the essence of things hoped for but not seen. So I had the faith that my life was blessed, but now I know it is.

It only took me 39 years and one very honest conversation with God. Please, when you read what comes next, don't think I'm crazy. Well, ok, I'm a little crazy, but in a good way:)

You see, I was convinced I was going to die. I was convinced I was going to leave this earth sooner than later and leave my family behind. My family who still needs me. Jeff had a dream about me that freaked me out, then I had a dream that freaked me out. Then I started to fixate on those dreams, worry, worry, and worry some more.

So I pleaded with my Heavenly Father one night. I begged him to let me live, that I would face any physical pain or trial, just let me live. I cried and sorrowed, and pleaded.

This plea was answered by a still, quiet voice that reassured me I was not going to die. But that in all my worry, complaining(mostly in my head) and fixation on what was wrong, that I had missed what was right.

It hit me very hard. And then immediately I was flooded with peace and understanding of what my life really means.

It means I get to be here. And even when it's hard, I am here. When it's great I am here. And when it is finally my time to return home, that will be ok. Because I lived the life I had on this earth, being here.

With this realization has come something I didn't expect; when my back hurts now, I don't mind. And just so you know, I'm not talking about a little soreness or tweak, I'm talking degeneration and bone spurs.

But I'm fine with it now. I honestly think, oh well, I'm still here. Oh well, look how pretty my daughters are. Oh well, look how much my boys like to be together. Oh well, isn't it amazing how much Jeff loves me.

Sure it's still annoying when I physically can't do the same things I used to simply because I forget I can't and then I'm unpleasantly surprised. But truly I don't mind, I don't complain in my head anymore, and I experience so much joy because of it.

And this new found peace is spreading.

Of all the things that are possible to complain about,  none of it trumps the truth I now know:

Life is good.

I get to be here.

I hope you get to be here, too.

Birthday boy.

I have learned, in my short (ha!)almost 39 years, that there are few things as important as the person you marry.

I, fortunately, hit the jackpot. I know that may be something that people just say, but I really did.

When I first met Jeff, I asked him why he was so nice to me. And he replied, "Don't you know I will always treat you this way?"

Well, almost 17 years later, he has been true to his word. I am constantly amazed by him, his love for me and our family and the quite unbelievable way that he treats me.

When we were first married, well, the first 5 years or so, I used to grumble to myself because he didn't clean like I did, or would walk past things without noticing that they needed to be picked up or tidied. Then I realized something, I just had to ask him and he would do anything.

Noticing the chores that need to be done is not a natural talent of Jeff's, but being willing to help me with whatever I ask? He's as talented as they come.

Case in point: I recently redid a few things around here, and with some gentle nagging prodding, he did some things for me that made me so happy.

Installing pallet shelves. Check.




Getting my distressed door ready to hang above another door. Check. (pictures of the finished product to follow this week)


Well, yesterday was his birthday. And for one week me and the love of my life are the same age.



Jeff is the wittiest, funniest, kindest and most genuine person I know. It is a privilege to be his wife and the mother of his children.

I try to be real on this blog. To not represent my life in any way just to make it look better than it really is.

And that includes the good things. I am madly in love with Jeff. Marriage just continues to get better and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for blessing me with Jeff.

Happy Birthday Jeffy! You truly are the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, but don't forget that I will always be older, so that makes me the boss! :)

Christmas was lovely around these parts.

I hope my children all felt loved and understood that Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, not just opening presents.

I'm not sure though. I felt a little off this year, and worried that the Christmas spirit was lost a little in the hustle and bustle.

But I do know that my two oldest were especially excited about one of their gifts.

They had each asked for working vintage typewriters. After looking for said gifts, I saw that on this side of the mountains, there were in the 100 dollar range. When I told them I would be happy to get those for them, but that it would be there only gift, they were disappointed but decided to forgo the expensive gifts.

Well, I enlisted the help of my "find anything" in laws, and they miraculously found two working, 1940's typewriters. One for 10 bucks, and one for 20. Yup, I did a happy dance.

They were the last gift to be unveiled. Only because we almost forgot about them hidden under a blanket.

The girls were both really happy, but confused when the saw the cases. Kate thought they were just neat old suitcases. I wish I had a picture of their faces when I opened the cases. It was pretty priceless honestly.

They sat at those babies typing away most of Christmas.



And it's been fun hearing the ticking of them typing away in their bedrooms. They both love the 40's, thank you very much Captain America, and they have an awesome Grandpa who worked a miracle this Christmas.

How was your Christmas?

Back to school blues

I am not a mother who gets excited about my kids going back to school.

I love them home with me.

So as Christmas break came to an end, I found myself melancholy. But instead of being sad that they are all back at school, instead I'm going to share joyful pictures of our time together as a family.

 For a few days we escaped to Long Beach.

And blessedly, gloriously, we had a whole day of gorgeous weather.

A day of sunshine somehow rejuvenates and soothes the soul.









And because some of my family are crazy, they actually took their shoes and socks off and went in the water.



Jeff was busy taking some of these pictures, so you can't see that he is also insane.





Suffice it to say that there may have been some crying as the now soaking wet children realized that they had to walk a half a mile back to our time share, sandy, wet and very cold.

Yeah, we're good parents like that.

And I discovered that my oldest children will still hold my hand.




*sigh*

As Julia would say, "I want to know who invented school. Cuz I hate them."

I miss my children. It was a wonderful two weeks with them home. And having Jeff home for almost a week was simply heavenly.

I love my family. And I will try and not begrudge the school system for the required 180 days a year. Jerks:)

I don't mind....

I have this family, this sweet, wonderful, crazy, kooky family.

I adore them. I cherish each one of them. I don't mind when people ask me why I would want so many children.

I don't mind when they stare and ask me if they're all mine.

I don't mind when they wonder which ones are Jeff's and which ones are mine. (if you're new here, they are all both of ours:)

I don't mind when they say that just their two or one drive them crazy.

I don't mind when people watch us piling out of the Yukon as if it were a clown car.

I don't mind when people ask what my husband does to be able to afford that many children.

I don't mind when people ask how we give them enough attention.

I don't mind when they ask how we will afford college for all of them.

I don't mind when strangers say, "Don't you guys have a T.V.?" "Don't you know what causes that?"

I don't mind when we're a little loud.

I don't mind that we fill a whole row at church.

I don't mind that it's a small fortune to feed us.

I don't mind that we don't go on vacation as often as other people.

I don't mind that I'm never alone.

I don't mind that my attention is on call 24 hours a day.

I don't mind that I have six people to teach, discipline and mold.

I don't mind when surprised strangers compliment us on how well behaved our children are(in public, not always at home:).

I don't mind. In fact, I welcome it. Because I am so glad to have this family of mine. To have them all to hold and love.

I am happy in my role as their mother, as Jeff's wife. I am fulfilled, happy, content, loved and respected.

My only sorrow today is for the families in Newtown, CT. My heart breaks for them.

And I will hold my children tighter, be more gentle, and appreciate them more because of it.

I love my children. Jeff and I had the best talk with my two oldest last night. Those girls make me feel like I'm doing something right.

I love you both so much. But Julia, I have to ask, where is that ring of mine I see on your finger in this picture? Hmmmm?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I love Christmas. I do. It's my most favorite time of the year. I love the traditions, the lights, the smells, the smiles on people's faces, the fun of looking for presents, the decorating, the tree hunting, the parties, everything!!!

Jeff and I got to go to his work party last night. It was honestly super fun. I've never met any of the people he works with, and I am now able to put names to faces when he talks about the delightful people he gets to interact with. And some of them laughed at my jokes, soooo, I like them even more!!!

I am also so fortunate to have two older daughters that so willingly watch their siblings for us so that we can go out. Is it ok to say I love my life? I think so too:)

Christmas is only 12 days away. What?! That's ok. I'm mostly done and mostly prepared. Which means I am not ready at all, ha ha ha!!!

Oh well. I love it anyway. We decorated for Christmas 2 weeks ago, but I've been holding off showing you cuz I still don't have that room together as far as curtains and such.(I returned the curtains that are in the picture. They just weren't right, you know?) And lets be honest. I HATE those black couches. Hate them in that room!!!But oh well. I am trying to weigh needs versus wants, and I have what I need. Just not what I want. Poor me (said sarcastically). There are impoverished people all over the world and poor me doesn't have the right color of couches. Uggh, I annoy myself. Anyway......

I hope you're all excited for Christmas too. I know the holidays can be as stressful as they are joyful, but if we pull back for just a minute and remember why we celebrate, it can bring more meaning to everything we do. I love my Savior, I am grateful every day for his birth, his life, and his atonement. I love Christmas!!!!

My friend Amber made that sign. Isn't it to die for?







Love you all. May your Christmas season truly be merry and bright!!!

Table redo

A few years back, my dear mother in law offered us her table. Her ginormous, seats up to 16, wide awesome table.

The table that Jeff grew up with.

Um, would I like a table that can fit my family plus guests? Uh, of course!

But with one caveat, can I paint it?

She had no problem with that.

And I had grand schemes to redo it's 80's oak.

But it sat. And sat. Other projects came and went. And the table sat.

Mostly because I thought I would have to take it into the garage to refinish it. And that thing is mammoth!!!

So it waited.

Until last week.

My boutique was over, living room and family room redo's over. So I had time.

And of course, as is normal for me, I get so excited to start a project, that I can't be bothered to take a before picture.

But here is the closest thing:



Brown oak, pedestal. Very typical of the 80's. And I'm sure in future decorating trends when my girls are adults, they will search and search for this table, untouched. And ask me, "WHY DID YOU PAINT GRANDMAS TABLE?"

Oh well.

I got all of my instructions on how to do this from Centsational Girl. Here is the link

I started with two coats of oil based primer. I like this best, you don't have to wait as long to paint it. It cures within 24 hours, unlike water based which takes a week.



And yes, I did it indoors. Windows open for ventilation.

After two coats of primer, I lightly sanded it to get rid of any rough spots.

Then I applied 3 coats of paint. Waiting 4 hours in between each coat.




I know the two pictures don't really look that different from each other. But let me tell you. The hours of painting really did go into this. Even if it doesn't photograph well.

I then very lightly distressed it. Seriously lightly for me. I just didn't want it to look too perfect.



I finished by putting a coat of wax on the top. Centsational girl recommended this. I love wax for other furniture. But I've decided after a few days, that wax is just not enough of a protectant for our kitchen table. So I will be going over it with good ol' fashioned clear coat.

But all in all, I love how it looks. It brightens up the space and really showcases the Christmas colors of the runner my mom made for me.



This project took 4 days. That is a lifetime for one as impatient as me. And I didn't skip any steps or rush through it. Again, it's a miracle. But I do like how it looks.

Now to do something with those chairs.......