(Temporary Backup) 50!!!

Turning 50 was pretty fun. Meaning I didn’t feel

Old, just progressing I guess. 

Got to karaoke with my family, go to

St George with a few of my kids and I just all around am grateful to me on this earth another what. 

Kaelan

Kaelan joined our family almost two years ago when he and Anne Marie got married. 

He is the kindest, gentlest human and simply adores my daughter, so what’s not to love?

Kaelan is an EXTREMELY talented graphic designer. I mean, give the guy a crayon and a piece of scrap paper and he will create works of art. I’m not joking. 

Kaelan is going to be the best dad. The way he has taken care of Anne Marie through a very sick pregnancy, the patience he has with our loud showboating family and the way he just seems to know the right things to say makes me so excited to see him with his little girl. She is so fortunate to have such a man as her father. 

We could not have picked a better person to be a husband to our daughter and father to our granddaughter. And our other kids just think he’s the coolest ever. 

We love you bunch Kaelan and are so happy you are part of our family. Happy birthday!

Last first day

When Henry and Nora started kindergarten a year apart, I knew that it would be hard to have my youngest children graduate one after another. I had no clue, however, that Nora would eventually skip a grade and end up going through high school side by side with Henry. 

I wasn’t initially excited or even ok with her skipping a grade, but watching Henry and Nora be the best of friends and take classes together and perform together had been truly lovely to watch. 

They are off to a good start for their last year of high school. Theatre productions, student council, friends, college applications, the whole nine yards. 

Yes it will be doubly heartbreaking to have them both graduate next year, but I’m so grateful for this time they had together at Merit(best school ever) academy. 

They got to have Kate as their 11th grade English teacher and they have developed friendships to last a lifetime. 

Anne Marie

Anne Marie turned 21. My sweet baby Boo Boo is a “real” adult and she is going to be a mom!! Which means I will be a grandma and well, that’s just the best reward ever. 

Anne Marie is one of the most hilarious people I have ever known. She seems quiet and demure, which I guess she technically is, but wait until she’s comfortable and then you will get to know the quick witted, mildly inappropriate side she shares with those she really loves haha

She is musically, artistically gifted as well as being a fantastic writer. She is the best sister and daughter and wife and I can’t wait to see her as a mom, because I know this little girl that is coming to her and Kaelan could not ask for a better woman to raise her. 

I love being Anne Marie’s mom. She is simply the best. Happy birthday baby girl. 

Nora

Sweet Nora turned sweet 16.  My baby is just refusing to stop growing up and I’m not ok!😭

Nora had an amazing year. She played Helen Armstrong in The Best Christmas Pageant ever and Nana in Tuck everlasting. 

She went to prom with one of her best friends and was elected to student council. 

She started driving and really coming into her own. 

Nora is kind, smart, funny and just the best to be around. I love when she randomly comes and snuggles with me and we watch shows together. Or when she asks me to braid her hair. 

Nora is a very talented artist and has the most beautiful voice. She was told she sounded like Rosemary Clooney and I agree. She has learned to sew this past year and helped out a bunch with costumes for the plays. She keeps expanding her talents and genuinely strives to always be better. 

Nora is an amazing friend and sister and daughter. She is just genuinely conscientious and caring but also knows herself and her boundaries. I really respect the person she is and look up to her. 

I seriously lucked out with this caboose and her generous nature and acerbic wit. She’s been a joy to raise and I can’t wait to see what she does next. 

Happy birthday darling Nora. We love you so much. 

Charlie

22! Fun, funny, so huggable and the nicest guy ever. We super duper love this boy of ours and are grateful we get to be his parents.

Charlie is an amazing friend and brother and son. We all love being around him and his giggle is probably the best thing you will ever hear. 

He is a super good Smash player and has been ranked 9th in the state of Utah. 

Charlie has a beautiful singing voice and funky fresh style (said his mom but it’s still true) and he’s just the best and my sweet boy forever. 

 Happy birthday  Charlie. You are so loved. 

Make sure and visit your parents

At some point in the last twenty years, my parents bought these ginormous nutcrackers for Christmas decorations. After having them up, they realized that the nutcrackers helped guard people from tripping on the step that went down into their sunken living room. 

And so they stood as sentinels to guard the unwary for many, many years. They became one more endearing quality of time spent at my mom and dad’s house. 

After we moved my mom out of her house in May, some dear friends of my parents inherited the Nutcrackers and the Hutch that once stood in mom and dad’s dining room.  She sent this picture to my sister today to show how loved the items are. 

I am so glad that someone who knew and loved my parents now owns these. But I couldn’t help but cry at the knowledge that I will never again walk into my parents house, see those nutcrackers and hear my dads sonorous “Hello!!!” followed by hugs from him and my mom 

I read something the other day that said that if you are in your 30s or 40s that it means your parents have somewhere around 20-30 years left on earth. And if you don’t live near them and see them just a few times a year, that you have approximately 40-60 days left with your parents. 

I thought about how the last 4 years of my dads life we lived in another state. How hard it was to see him get older and his heart weaker and know that I was missing out on that time with him. 

So even though it can be hard to help my mom and watch her slowly disappear to dementia, I see her at least 8 times a month right now. And for however long she has left in the earth, I will look back and be glad. 

So if your parents are still alive, go visit them. Tell them you love them. 

And if you ever went to my parents house,  you know about the Nutcrackers and know that it was one more thing that made my parents special:) 

December 2022

Anne Marie went thru the temple, got married to her sweetheart, I finished my first semester back to college after a 25 year hiatus, my mom came to visit and we had lots of fun, ate lots of food saw beautiful lights and just felt ourselves blessed to be alive. 

Jingle Ball

I’m so grateful for the group of friends that Henry and Nora have found at Merit. 

Nora went with her good friend Kekoa and Henry went with his good friend Emily. 

Their experience at Merit has been a blessing from

Heaven. 

Breast impplant illness and implant removal-from sickness back to health

When I was 29 I had my 4 child. After she was born I got in really good shape, the best shape I've ever been in. But after pregnancy and nursing 4 babies I was dissatisfied with how flat I thought I was. And so I made the decision to get breast implants. To be totally transparent I knew I shouldn't get them, Jeff didn't want me to get them either. But I ignored both of us and instead gave in to the idea that a mother's body is somehow now good enough because of what its gone through. Rather than celebrating the normalcy and the rockstar status of how a body will change after having children. 

So in November of 2004 I got implants. And I thought that was it, my problems were solved and I would be happy forever.

The first sign that something was wrong (but I did not make the connections for years) was how much my anxiety skyrocketed. I have always been more of a high strung, high anxiety person, but this was different. This was anxiety on steroids. Then I was diagnosed with thyroid nodules. Then I started gaining weight. Still I wasn't making any connection between the implants and my health. Two years after I got my implants I had my fifth child. And I did not bounce back like I usually did. I was only 32 so it wasn't an age thing. I always lost the weight after my babies and this time it was sooo difficult. But I chalked it up to whatever the internet in 2006 could tell me-probably that being 32 was making me not lose weight suddenly? 

Between 2004 and up until surgery I developed the following symptoms:

Worsening anxiety and depression

Neck and shoulder pain(over time arthritis developed on the right side only)

weight issues

muscle pain and fatigue

gall bladder disease-thankfully I ignored advice to have it out and kept doing cleanses 

Fire stomach-my stomach burned all the time

Acid reflux

Brain fog

It band pain with or without exercise

Asthma symptoms and unable to take a deep breath

Panic attacks

dry skin

I could not hit high notes anymore-I have sung since high school, audition choirs on the east coast, church etc. This was especially devastating. I thought it was the thyroid nodules. 

lost and forgotten libido

chornic dehydration

vision changes

tendonitis in my arms and behind my knees

swelling in hands

swelling of the left calf 

easily nauseated

knee pain 

POTS 

SIBO

kidney problems 

Insomina and not being able to sleep through the night

bladder issues(I had two surgeries, one to fix the problem and then another to fix the problem that the first surgery caused) 

chronic constipation

food allergies that caused blisters on my face, worsening GERD and increased all over pain

Jaundiced appearance over the last 4 years(all of that silicone is hard on the liver apparently) 

Plantar fasciitis and pain in the bones of my feet

Loss of physical stamina and tiring quickly 

Arms falling asleep just driving sometimes but falling alseep without fail every night

diagnosis of eds-turns out I'm just hypermoble(flexible) but my body was sick. 

And while this list is just words on a page to someone reading it, to me it was frequent tears. Pain, feeling limited, not understanding why I hurt and felt sick all the time. I muscled through so much while believing my body was betraying me. But it was the other way around-I had betrayed my body. 

When I first came across breast implant illness I didn't want it to be true. But I knew it was. For 5 years I thought about it and finally found a facebook group with thousands of other women with symptoms like mine, some so bad that they could barely get out of bed. I also read their stories of healing completely after explanting and I was convinced I needed to have them removed. 

So along came some financial miracles to make it happen and on April 11 of the year I had the toxic things pulled-gone once and for all. 

In the 8 weeks since removal I have had the majority of my symptoms improve if not resolve completely. Because I had them in for almost 18 years, it will probably take a few years for everything to heal. My food allergies haven't resolved yet and there is still some residual issues in my shoulders and arms from the weight of the implants pulling on me for so long. But I have no doubt I will eventually be back to normal. 

When my doctor removed the implants, he also got the capsule that had formed around them. Basically scar tissue. The scar tissue was making it impossible for my chest to expand completely. No wonder I thought I had asthma. The very first thing I noticed when I came out of anesthesia was that I could take a full deep breath. Then I noticed the pain . Apparently my arm was bent and the pain meds weren't getting to where they needed to be haha. 

Since then my gall bladder hasn't bothered me once. My stomach has felt 90 percent better and I have had no heart burn. 

My first sunday back in church I could hit all the high notes again. I cried with gratitude that this gift was returned to me. 

My energy is returning. My neck doesn't hurt. My legs are daily losing the weakness and pain and fatigue. My libido has returned-happy day!! I thought it was lost forever honestly. But the proof is really in my face. I took a picture the week before surgery and then every day after for 3 weeks. Daily I could see improvements. And then I took my last picutre on Monday. Same bathroom, same lighting, same time of day. I am no longer yellow and my face has lost its puffiness. 

One of the things I am grateful for about this journey is that it led me down a path of holistic health. I have learned so much about nutrition, supplements, mind set, how the body works and overall health. So the last 18 years wasn't a total waste and God has taken my mistake and still blessed me in the middle of it. I became certified as a body code practitioner and have helped 100s of people because of it. 

But I can't help but wonder what the last 18 years would have been like if I had just loved myself more. 

I have strong feelings now about implants. I don't judge anyone else for having them. How could I? But I don't believe there is a single woman who hasn't or won't be affected by having a foreign object made of silicone in their body. My immune system and body spent all of those years trying to fight off what I voluntarily and electively put in my body. It made me sick and tired and sad and hopeless. It was not worth the few months of joy I had before my body started to rebel against the toxic waste in my body. 

So if you or someone you know is thinking about getting them, I will direct you to studies and many many other women with stories exactly like mine if you like. We all just told ourselves that we were getting old or we were repeatedly misdiagnosed with autoimmune disorders, or thyroid disorders or just told we needed to eat better and exercise. When in fact, we just bought into a societal belief that women are suppose to look like they've never had children, or like porn stars, or some other iteration of ridiculousness that requires us to change our bodies to be whole or valuable. 

And I'm over it. If you have implants, get them out as fast as you can. Before its too late. We have had women on our facebook page who died before they could get them out. Its unnecessary. Its abusive. And its time for a rebellion against the perfect bodies, not "looking" like we've had babies or the pressure to be "hot moms". Sheesh. 

I decided to share what I have been through in the hopes that if it convinces just one woman to not get them or to get them out, then maybe my suffering will have maybe been worth it. 

If you read this far, thank you. Obviously I regret it and even spiritually I regretted it within a year. But part of setting myself right physically has been the work I've done to set myself right emotionally. And sharing this has been a further step in knowing that I am ok how I am. And so are you. 

20

You turn 20 once. But you are awesome forever. Charlie is awesome forever. Kind, good, quirky in the best ways, laughs easily, rolls with it, and is finding his way just like the rest of us. 

We love you buddy. Happy birthday. 

Spring break

Mother, daughters, sisters, friends

Before Kate heads back to college, we knew we needed a girls trip. Adult daughters and mom (cuz they like me but also cuz I'm the one with the money;)

So off to California we went. Lots of yummy food, fun music and lots of great discussion about what makes us who we are.

We visited the ocean in February cuz we are Allen's ;) And then off to Universal the next day cuz theme parks have a feeling to them that is just so fun!

I love my daughters. I became a mom pretty quickly after getting married and never once have I been sad about the timing. My kids are all close together which means they are all close.

So thankful to be their mom and to have memories like this to last the rest of my life.